i didn't sell out, i bought in.

I feel that I am an inadequate blogger. Either not enough time in the day, or really lack of desire to make time for my thoughts. There are so many things to say and share, and like so many other things in my life i just feel as though i am unqualified. but here is an attempt at my thoughts as of late.

life's twists and turns and ups and downs have taken me on a rather incredible journey. the past few years have been something that i never thought was possible for myself. to be incredibly cliche it's the stuff of dreams. my dream has taken me into a land of self sufficiency and excellence in academics. this is what my life has come to. this is what i love. i find myself no longer being an idealist or a rebel. i find myself not integrating with society, and not trying so hard to rage against it. i feel i don't quite fit anywhere. i'm not a punk, or a hipster, or really any other category of subculture that i clung to so closely in my formative years. i'm still trying to find my place in the grand social landscape that is this world. to be honest i'm not sure i really care anymore. the shows and the drinking, and the competition and the overall "grandeur" of the subculture is so exhausting and unappealing to me at this time in my life.

what is appealing is the knowledge that i am gaining this semester in my gross anatomy class. i wish i could share this experience with the people that i know. it is something so incredible, i'm not sure i could even describe it properly if i tried. our bodies are amazing and to see the actual parts that make us function, it's something i never thought i would see. i am completely comfortable giving up the popularity and "credibility" of subculture life style to dedicate my life to the study of structure and function of the human body, and how to rehabilitate our bodies when life's twists and turns lead us to injury.

fin.

... and you my wayward girl

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

--we all learned something from his death. in his life he was the advocate of fearlessness, in his death what has been instilled in me seems to be perpetual fear, the opposite of his message. it's the finality of death which is disconcerting to me. whether you are 33, 27, 79, 3... it is the irreversible solution to a problem, or an unpleasant side effect of unwonted recklessness.

i understand his intent, but fear is something that can save lives. so i remain fearful--

fin.

caught in the undertow...

what is there to write about? so many things i suppose. i am deeply saddened by recent events in my life. i had to put one of my cats to sleep, and it was the most horrible decision i have had to make in my adult life. my little lovely had F.I.P. (feline infectious peritonitis). it is a pretty rare virus, and it caused fluid to accumulate in the plural spaces around his lungs. he was perfectly healthy up until he passed away. it's been very hard for me to deal with his loss because it was very sudden and unexpected. i had taken him to the vet 5 months prior to his death, and he seemed to recover so well. i am just absolutely heart broken. i have 2 other cats, and i love them both, but there was something so special about Zooey. it's hard to walk into my apartment and not have his little face there to greet me, and it's really hard to go to sleep without him curled up on my chest. i never thought i could love something so much. when i think about him, such as right now i feel a heaviness in my chest.

i'm just taking small steps. day to day. i'm very thankful for my other 2 lovelies. Dio, and Franny are wonderful little creatures and i have so much love for them. we're all just trying to get used to a house without Zooey.

i don't think i ever will....


fin.

just you and i misbehaving

i think i've got the bubonic plague...

i'm in the process of quitting smoking...

i really hate statistics...

laaaaaaaaaaaaaaater

best day...

i am now officially a licensed massage therapist. i found out yesterday that i passed the state board exam. i can't tell you the amount of relief and joy i feel right now. i put everything into my school work, graduated top of my class... and now, every agonizing, stressful moment was totally worth it.

school round 2 starts a week from monday. i'm pretty excited about it, and now i feel like i can accomplish anything. this is the most amazing feeling in the world.


till next time dear readers,

Sarah Stakes L.M.T.

i've spent the summer wasting...

it's hot out today. i'm not a fan of it. i am however a fan of the following:

new laptop
more clients at work
orientation on tuesday
school starting soon

pretty good stuff.


<3

i don't think we're in kansas anymore...

well... i just recently had cable internet installed at my house. it's kind of weird. i've been disconnected for so long. weird................................

anyway............

school starts soon.

tired.

byebye